Counting sheep didnt work

Here I am again, having one of those nights where I'm tired as hell wish I could sleep but unfortunately for me the brain is ticking over time. I'm just considering all my options out loud before I decide. At the moment I'm studying (well meant to be) for my cert 3 in childcare. I love the work but hate the text book shit. I know I should just crunch down an get it over an done with so this will be my personal goal for the next few months. After I have finished my studies I'm still tossing over the UK idea. Looked at a few jobs (for a nanny). The families seem really nice. There was one single mum with twins, that would be great.
I don't know what I'm so worried about. If nothing has changed by the end of the year I might as well go, there's really nothing keeping me here and no one to really miss me. I'm sure the folks would but they'd get over it. I just need a change I need something new to do. Nothing excites me anymore. I need a challenge or someone to challenge me. Everyone is so god damn agreeable it pisses me off.
I don't like to give up on anything but this time I have had to. I cant make magic happen where what I really want will come knocking on my door. I just wanted to be given a chance. Isn't it better to try than not have tried at all etc... all that bullshit. I'm having a whinge because I would like to have someone make me smile for a change than me having to be little miss fix it an run around after other people. I know this is making no sense but that's what happens when you don't get any sleep. Next I'll be seeing those magic fairies that live outback, maybe if I'm lucky they'll grant me that chance that I figure I deserve.

Dont follow the sheep

In this place of shallow laughter
In this place of desperate eyes
I saw the stare of bitterness
Your perfect smile belies
And I heard your voiced opinion
In your cruel vindictive tongue
Above the dying music
I heard your caustic song
While you sit and point your finger
At those dancing on the floor
It seems their exultation just upsets
You all the more so u try so hard to differ
Then assault those unlike you
But you just another painted face
Amongst your chosen few
In your eyes I see loneliness
That you try so much to hide
Some flicker of emotion
Of some pain you hide inside
But then with out your little retinue
You seem so lost and small
Yet for you I feel no pity
Not the slightest piece at all
And I'm oh so very sorry
I don’t share your point of view
But i’m quite content just being me
And not another you

They do exist

Guardian Angel

Angel come and take me
From all the pain I know
Spread your wings and fly me
To where it’s safe to go
Lead me in the direction
Away from all my sorrow
Stay with me we’ll wait
For the destiny of tomorrow
If I say to you I’m happy
Don’t believe it all
Be ready with your arms wide open
To catch me if I fall
When it starts to get too much
Don’t give up on me
I just need a little help
Then I’ll be fine you will see
Say what you think of me
I want to believe in you
You’re my guardian angel
Who could I trust but you
So bare with me sweet angel
Have faith I’ll be alright
I know you’re always with me
So I sleep easier at night

I could kill me, because of you

This world that I’ve grown to hate
So many lies that cause me pain
How much more do I take
I can’t even dream of a perfect place
Everyone’s a bastard
Throughout the human race
People I’ve known, loved and cared for
Only see what they want to see
It’s what’s under this face they ignore
If I peeled away my skin and made you look
You’d see a thousand knife wounds
And no heart for that’s what he took

So forgive me if I get up set
Or if I’m cold or distant
Sometimes I just wish he I’d never met

He made me feel this pain inside
Raped, murdered, shot and stabbed
These wounds I have to hide
He made me cut myself made me bleed
Don’t give a shit though about nothing else
For he’s the only one I need



I run to my room and close the door
I’ll die if I cut to deep
I know this so I cut just a little more
There no more pain for I am dead
But don’t blame him it’s not his fault
Don’t cry because I was fucked in the head
Got ya, not really like I could
Couldn’t bring myself to do it
Come on laugh, I never would
But understand what you have read
And take in its how I feel
This pounding in my heart and head

All this because I loved that boy
But he never cared, he just
Fucked me like I was his little toy
To him I was an object, a game
A whore he never paid
For that ill never be the same
There were more bad times than good
I know he never did give a fuck
For upon my heart he stood
Trampled it hard into the ground
Deeper into a dark cold hole
Where never again to be found

Just Thinking out aloud

A few things to remember

What other people’s opinions are of you
Can’t have any personal effect on you
Until you can find self acceptance
And appreciation within yourself
Never change for anyone without good reason to
Be who you have to be
And prove yourself to no one
If you feel you don’t fit in
Make people fit you
Don’t ever be the odd one out
Be some one who others can admire
Make your own choices choose not to be a follower
Take into consideration
Others thoughts and feelings
Respect others and they shall respect you
Fulfill your wildest dreams and fantasies
Live life to the fullest
Don’t judge people and you wont be judged
Take care and pride in everything you do
Open your mind, heart and eyes
To the world so you wont miss out
On the obstacles you’ll have to overcome
That being friends, lover, family, heartache
It’s all a part of life